Kurt Cobain's suicide note
as read by Courtney Love
April 10, 1994
"I don't really know what to say. I feel the same way you guys do. If you guys don't think that I had to sit in this room when he played guitar and sing- I feel so honored to be near him- you're crazy. Anyway, he left a note. It's more of a letter to the fucking editor. I don't know what happened. I mean, it was gonna happen. It could have happened when he was 40. He always said he was going to outlive everybody and be 120. I'm not going to real you all the note, because it's none of the rest of your fucking buisiness, but some of it is to you. I don't really think it takes away his dignity to read this, considering it's adressed to most of you. [deep breath
] He's such an asshole. I want you all to say asshole
really loud. [everybody yells, "Asshole!"
"Kurt says: 'This note should be pretty easy to understand. All the wording's from Punk Rock 101. Over the years, [since] my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with indepandance, and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music, along with really writing for too many years now. I feel guilty beyond words about these things. For example, when we're backstage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the croud begins, it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Murcury [laughs
], who seemed to love and relish in the love and admiration of the crowd'
"-well, Kurt, so fucking what? Then don't be a rock star, you asshole-
"'which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or to me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100 percent fun.'
"No, Kurt, the worst crime I can think of if for you to just continue being a rock star when you fucking hate it and just fucking stop.
"'Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out onstage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it, and I do. God, believe me, I do. But it's not enough. I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. I must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when there gone. I'm too sensitive.'
"'I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasm I had as a child. On our last three tours I've had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally and as fans of our music. But I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. [crying
] There's good in all of us, and I simply love people too much'
"So why didn't you just fucking stay?-
"'so much that I feel too fucking sad. The sad little sensitive unappreciative Pieces Jesus man.'
"Oh, shut up, bastard.
"'Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know.'
"Then he goes on to say some personal things to me that are none of your damn buisiness, personal things to Frances that are none of your damn buisiness.
"'I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful. But since the age of 7, I've become hateful toward all humans in general only because it seems to easy for people to get along and have empathy- Empahthy!- only because I love and feel sorry for people too much, I guess. Thank you all from the pit of my burning nauseous stomach [crying
] for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erradic, moody baby, and I don't have the passion anymore so remember'-
"And don't remember this, because this is a fucking lie-
"'it's better to burn out than to fade away.'
]God, you asshole.
"'Peace, love, empathy,
"Then there's some more personal things that are none of your damn buisenesses. And just remember, this is all bullshit. But I want you to know one thing: That '80s tough-love bullshit- it doesn't work. It's not real. It doesn't work. I should have let him, we all should have let him, have his numbness. We should have let him have the thing that made him feel better, we should have let him have it, instead of trying to strip away his skin. You go home, and you tell your parents, 'Don't you ever try that tough-love bullshit on me, because it doesn't fucking work.' That's what I think, when I'm laying in our bed [sobbing
], and I'm really sorry, and I feel the same way you do. [sobbing harder
] I'm really sorry, you guys. I don't know what I could have done. I wish I'd have been here, and I wish I had listened to other people, but I didn't. Every night I've been sleeping with his mother, and I wake up in the morning, I think it's him, because her body's sort of the same. And I have to go now. Just tell him he's a fucker, OK? Just say, 'Fucker, you're a fucker,' and that you love him."